In the Midst of War
by redanitamarie
Summary: Discovering a pregnancy in the midst of war can be difficult, particularly when the father is presumed dead. A closer look at the friendship between Sirius and Lily at a very hopeless moment in the war. Please Review.
1. A Reason to Fight

**Words: 2158**

**In The Midst of War**

Summary: Discovering a pregnancy in the midst of war can be difficult, particularly when the father is presumed dead. A closer look at the friendship between Sirius and Lily at a very hopeless moment in the war. (Lily and Sirius relationship here is completely platonic).

Chapter 1 – A reason to fight

"_Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die_."

G.K. Chesterston

Lily sat in the kitchen of her London flat, taking notes out of the various charms texts spread across the table. She was doing whatever she could to distract herself of late. Things were getting worse with each passing day, and she definitely needed to forget the new developments of the past few weeks.

Not only had two members of the Order been killed, but James had also gone missing. Lily felt her eyes burn as she thought of James. He had never returned from his last mission for the Order. Lily, Sirius and Remus had spent the first week searching frantically for him, but to no avail.

They had given up the search at Dumbledore's pleading request. He had reminded them how thinly the Order was spread these days. It was getting more and more difficult to find people willing to fight against Voldemort that were trustworthy, and they were desperately needed.

He had also tried to make them face the reality of James' situation. It was a fact that during this war, no one that had been missing for more than a few days had ever been found alive. Neither Remus, Sirius, nor Lily had accepted that reality yet, but wherever James was now, they couldn't do anything for him.

So Lily focused on her work. She had just qualified as a healer the previous year and was working on developing portable healing charms for the Order. They stood a better chance at surviving if they could heal quickly, and there weren't many healers available these days. Lily herself was the only healer left alive in the Order, and she couldn't always be there for everyone.

Lily was shaken from her thoughts when the fireplace in the far room suddenly erupted. She held out her wand and hurriedly went to investigate. Relief spread through her as she saw Sirius Black, still in his auror robes, quickly step out of the fireplace looking anxious.

"Have you heard from Dorcas?" He immediately demanded, looking at her nervously. Dorcas Meadows worked for the Department of Mysteries and was also a member of the Order. She and Sirius had been shagmates since Hogwarts, and she was a good friend of Lily's.

"No," Lily responded quickly "Why? Has something happened?"

Sirius was now pacing the living room anxiously, his cloudy grey eyes clearly revealing his concern. He explained "She was supposed to come over a few hours ago. She was also supposed to contact Dumbledore earlier, but hasn't yet. I have a really bad feeling, I think something happened."

Lily put her hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him. He shook her off gently and continued. " I need to go check up on her, but if she's hurt" his voice cracked "if she's hurt she'll need a healer. Lily, I hate to ask this of you, but you know how shite I am at healing." He stared at her anxiously, his eyes begging.

A cold sick feeling rose up in Lily's stomach. There was no worse feeling than having to go and check on a friend to see if they were still alive. Then again, now that she knew Dorcas may be in trouble, there was no way on earth she could just site here anymore. She quickly ran to her room, tied back her long red hair, and gathered some healing supplies. She returned a moment later and they left without another word.

Dorcas Meadows lived in a small apartment in the outskirts of London. There was a side alley adjacent to the building that was particularly convenient for apparition, particularly at night, as there was no street lamp. The moment Lily and Sirius appeared, they quickly looked up into Dorcas' second floor apartment. The light was on, but Lily and Sirius were more concerned with the sinister green glow that lit up the entire street. The Dark Mark.

The sickness in Lily's belly worsened and her heartbeat began to race. She knew what they were going to find tonight: another one of her friends, dead.

Sirius squeezed her hand gently, and ;ed her up the stairs to the second floor. She vaguely heard Sirius say "Alohamora" when they reached the apartment.

They saw Dorcas the moment they opened the door. The light flickered, eerily displaying a dead woman, spread eagled in the middle of the room, cold and lifeless.

Lily immediately knelt beside her, still clinging to an impossible hope. It vanished instantly when she felt no pulse. Her blood froze as she knelt there, tears already streaming down her face.

Dorcas had been one of the few friends from Hogwarts that Lily was still in contact with. Her rather unusual (but pretty constant) relationship to Sirius, as well as her work with the Order had allowed the girls to remain close. Oh god...Lily thought to herself...Sirius...

She quickly turned around to look at him. He was standing just behind her, staring at Dorcas, his grey eyes shimmering with anger. "I'm going to find out who did this" he declared determinately. His hands shook with the rage that was building up inside him and he turned to punch the wall behind him, so hard that his fist broke through the dry wall. Ignoring the pain in his hand, he bowed his head and started to cry. Lily got up in an instant and went to hug him, gently patting his soft black hair with her hand.

After a few moments, Sirius gently pulled out of Lily's embrace and fought to compose himself, as if suddenly ashamed for crying. He took out his wand and sent his patronus to Dumbledore, explaining what had happened. He then used Dorcas' owl to send a message to the Auror Division at the Ministry, reporting the incident.

Lily watched him carefully. She knew Sirius very well, a consequence of being with James for so long. She knew that Sirius was very unstable, particularly now, no matter how much he fought to stay in control.

She had only seen him cry once before, after a fight with James in sixth year, and she had seen him lash out for much less. He was most likely thinking of doing something very stupid and Lily was going to do anything she could to prevent it. She couldn't bear the thought of losing another person she cared about, and Sirius' chances of survival if went off chasing death eaters in a rage were less than likely.

"Sirius," Lily's voice was gentle as she spoke "maybe you shouldn't be alone tonight." It was a request, and Lily silently hoped he would agree. She didn't want to be alone right now either. Relief spread through her as he nodded slightly, "Perhaps you're right", he said solemnly.

After the Ministry members started to arrive, they both apparated back to Sirius' flat. Lily quickly began to make tea. She knew sleep was a long way off and needed to keep herself busy. It was her way of dealing. Sirius sat across from her, idly stirring his tea with his spoon.

A few hours later, after many long, solemn silences between them, Lily went to bed. She went into Sirius' room, despite her protests, and Sirius took the couch.

She lay awake for a while afterwards, her head swimming with the disturbing images of the evening...Dorcas' dead body...Sirius crying...James dead...

She knew that last image wasn't real, but she could not stop herself from picturing it. It was her deepest fear, and in all likelihood, it had already come to pass. She put her hand on her belly, idly rubbing it back and forth as she thought about what James had left behind. Despite her anxiety about it, it was the only thought that finally allowed her to fall asleep.

She woke up sometime in mid-morning the next day, a heavy queasy feeling in her stomach. After putting on the kettle for tea, she stood in the living room doorway for a moment and stared at Sirius, asleep on the couch. His dark hair was sweaty, sticking to his skin, and his brow was slightly furrowed.

She guessed he had slept just as badly as her these past few weeks. He loved James too and was just as close to the Order members they had lost as she was.

Her stomach gave an uncomfortable jolt and Lily found herself running down the hall to the loo. She retched and leaned her head against her arm, still facing the toilet so she could breathe in the coolness of the water. She then retched again and her eyes watered as she replaced her head on her arms. It had been like this for the past couple of weeks, and there was nothing she could do to prevent it.

She shifted slightly when she felt a presence in the doorway. Sirius stood there, shirtless and half asleep, with concern etched on his face. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair still clung to his skin. He looked at her intently for a few moments before asking "How long?"

The question hung in dead air as Lily broke her gaze and stared into the water. "What do you mean?" she whispered quietly.

Sirius walked into the room and sat on the edge of the tub beside her. He answered her, the tiredness still evident in his voice "Lily, I know. I've been in enough...adult situations...to know what a pregnancy testing potion smells like. I noticed it the other day at your apartment."

She went to look up at him, but another pang in her stomach made her retch again. Sirius rubbed her back gently for a few moments, and then went to get a face cloth from the cupboard under the sink. He drenched it in cool water, rung it, and placed it on the back of her neck beneath her ponytail.

Lily found it instantly soothing, and murmured her thanks. She confessed "I think I'm about two months along, although I just found out last week. James doesn't..." her voice broke off. Her fears seemed reignited by this confession and she continued, unable to stop herself from opening up.

"Sirius, I don't know what to do. James is missing, I'm alone, the Order can't afford to have it's only healer out of action, and then there's the fact that the child will most likely not get a fair chance at life...with the Order being targeted as it is now, he'll probably never even be born and..."

Sirius cut her off by shushing her gently, as he would a child. "Lils...it's o.k. Everything will be o.k. No matter what happens, we'll figure something out. You're not alone." He reapplied the cool cloth on her neck.

His last words resonated in Lily's mind and caused her to look up at him. He smiled meekly and continued. "Lily, this is good news. I know it's not the best time, and with James gone..." his voice broke off at the thought of James, but he determinately continued "But you're going to be such a good mother. I know you will. And think about it: You and James have created a life...in the midst of war when everyone is dying and everything seems hopeless, you and James are creating new life. I think it will remind everyone what it is we're fighting for: a better world, a chance at a good future for our children to grow up in...it's the reason Lily. And no matter what has happened to James, you're not going to go through this alone. You know Remus and I will do everything we can to make sure the kid's safe. What, did you think you'd suddenly be rid of us or something?"

Lily smiled despite herself. It was true, this WAS what they were fighting for, and she knew that no matter what happened, she could never get rid of Sirius. Although she could remember certain times when she would have been terrified at that very thought, right now it seemed the most comforting thing in the world.

She leaned into him against the tub beside her and let him wrap his arms around her. They stayed that way for a long time. She knew he needed the comfort as much as she...he had also lost a lot in this war.

And no matter how hard he worked at hiding it, she knew he was terrified of being alone too.


	2. Finding Hope

Chapter 2 – Finding Courage

"_Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die_."

G.K. Chesterston

Lily was, once again, sitting at a table surrounded by charms texts. She was now five months pregnant and beginning to show.

Although the portable healing charms, which she had managed to create the previous month, worked well against common jinxes and hexes, they were almost useless against unforgivables.

Over the past few months, the death eaters had been shameless in their use of these more severe curses and it had become a major obstacle for the anti-Voldemort movement. Thus, Lily was now spending almost all of her time studying the unforgivables in an attempt to overcome this problem.

Lily had made some progress in portable charms for the Cruciatus curse. She had recently tried them on Sirius, as he was always active in the field, and he told her that they absorb most of the pain. She knew they still needed more work though. Sirius was made of strong stuff, and she was almost certain that he had exaggerated their effectiveness to encourage her.

When in came to the Avada Kedavra curse, Lily felt hopeless about it. She knew nothing had ever worked against that curse, but she had to try. People were dying, and now that she could no longer fight because of her condition, she felt she had to try and protect those who could.

She tapped her pen idly on her cheek as she considered her notes. She needed a new approach. Healing charms just don't work on the dead. Thus, she immersed herself in the one of the particularly old texts Dumbledore had given her on protective magic. She had previously avoided it because they were very difficult to read; written in an Old English she didn't really understand.

Discouraged, Lily looked out the window of Sirius' flat and sighed. Several months had passed since James' disappearance. She clung to the hope that by some miracle he was still alive, slightly encouraged by the fact that his body hadn't been found yet.

She had moved into Sirius' flat soon after discovering her pregnancy, following a very narrow escape from death eaters in her own apartment. Sirius' flat was safer, as he had installed numerous wards and made it unplottable. She guessed that his obsession with these wards had something to do with the way he had been raised, although she had never asked.

Although Lily had intended on finding another flat, Sirius had argued against it. He insisted that she shouldn't be alone right now, particularly in her condition, as the death eaters were becoming bolder. She had agreed to stay at least until her child was born; her son, as she had recently discovered.

Suddenly, Sirius arrived at the flat, several hours earlier than usual. His missions for both the auror office and the Order had increased to the point where he usually only came home to sleep. He only arrived early when something particularly bad had happened.

Lily felt a rush of anxiety as she asked "What happened?"

There was a deep gash on the side of Sirius' face, and his grey eyes were tired and lined with dark circles. He ignored her question and walked over to the liquor cabinet. He poured himself some Firewhisky, and drank it in one, his hand shaking as he poured himself another.

Lily spoke more forcibly "Sirius! What happened? Is it James?" her earlier fears suddenly magnified by Sirius' current state.

He shook his head quickly and looked straight at her. "No. It's not James...it's the Prewetts." Lily's eyes widened "The Prewetts? Not the twins?"

"Yea," Sirius nodded "the twins along with Gideon's daughter."

Lily led Sirius to the couch where he promptly sat with his head in his hands. "News hit the auror office that Gideon's daughter had been killed by death eaters. So he and his brother left the auror office right away. It was a trap and they...well..." His voice broke.

"Lily, I don't really want to talk about what happened today o.k.?"

She nodded understandingly and whispered a healing charm for the gash on his cheek. He then put his arms around her and they just held eachother, just enjoying the comfort of having someone else there. They did this a lot when they were alone, but they refrained from doing it in front of anyone else. There were already disturbing rumors about her and Sirius "shacking up", and their relationship was not one that could easily be understood by others.

Although, Lily was still slightly annoyed by his rash behavior, she had really learned to appreciate Sirius over the past few months. He was impulsive and rebellious, but he was also caring and loyal, and she knew she could trust him with her life. He was also very protective of her and she couldn't help but like it. With the war raging on, Sirius and the thought of her child were her only sources of comfort.

They broke apart when a phoenix came in from the back window. Sirius quickly untied the note from its leg and read it aloud.

_Dear Sirius and Lily,_

_There's an urgent meeting in five minutes. The attached portkey has been modified to account for Lily's pregnancy. Not all members are invited. Speak of this to no one. Please destroy this message immediately. _

With a quick look at Sirius to make sure he had read it, Lily whispered "**Incendio".**

They held the paperclip that had been attached and waited for the portkey to activate without another word. Sirius put his arms around Lily protectively, despite Dumbledore's assurance that the portkey had been modified. They were both surprised by the completely gentle and almost soothing effects of the paperclip once it had activated.

Lily and Sirius suddenly found themselves standing in the headmaster's office at Hogwarts. Alice and Frank Longbottom were already sitting in two of the four chairs across from Dumbledore's desk. When everyone was seated, Dumbledore spoke.

"What I have to say never leaves this room. I believe we have finally come across information that will help us win this war." He paused for a moment and looked at the four who stood silent, eyes wide, eagerly awaiting what he was going to say next. Hope already rose in Lily's chest at those last words.

"I have recently heard a prophecy. Now I usually don't get concerned with prophecies, but this one is extremely important. When someone acts on a prophecy, they set it in motion." Dumbledore ignored the many confused glances and continued. " Lord Voldemort knows of this prophecy, or at least part of it, and I have information that leads me to believe that he will act on it. It may effect both your families."

Sirius interjected "What's the prophecy and why does it concern us?" It was the question that was on everyone's mind. Dumbledore immediately removed a long silvery strand from his mind and showed them.

When the prophecy finished, Lily found herself staring at the place where Trelawney's head had been long after it was gone. Her chest was pounding and both her hands were holding her stomach protectively. Her child was due at the end of July. Did that mean...? What did that mean?

It was Frank who spoke the question for her, suddenly breaking the eerie silence of the room. He and Alice wore a similar expression of concern. "Dumbledore, are you saying that one of OUR children is the one in the prophecy?"

"Yes." Dumbledore responded simply.

A slew of frantic thoughts swam in Lily's mind as her fears were confirmed. Sirius gently put his arms around her and she leaned into him instinctively. He held her as he looked straight into Dumbledore's eyes. There was a flicker of anger in his voice as he spoke. "Enough vagueness Dumbledore. What does all this mean?"

Dumbledore nodded understandingly and explained "It means that one of your children will have the power to defeat Voldemort once and for all. It could mean either boy. Voldemort only knows of the part foretelling the birth. He plans on killing one or both of them. He does not know that attacking one of the children may cause him to "mark them as his equal"."

Everyone in the room seemed to have a hard time accepting what they'd just heard. Frank held Alice tightly as she cried, Sirius looked angry, and Lily's face was blank from shock. Her son, James' son was already a target for Voldemort. The mere idea crushed her.

Then there was that part of the prophecy that kept resonating in her mind "neither shall live while the other survives". How was a child expected to defeat the most powerful dark lord of the wizarding world? And the prophecy went both ways; if the child didn't defeat Voldemort then he would kill them. Lily began hoping desperately that it wasn't her son, just as she was sure that Alice was feeling the same. No sane mother could possibly want this for their child.

Dumbledore's blue eyes shimmered sympathetically. "I have sources currently trying to find out which child will be targeted...it may well be both..." he said gravely.

"As such, your whereabouts must, for now, be kept secret. Alice and Frank, I have prepared a safe place for you both that I will direct you to after this meeting. Sirius, and I right in assuming that you already have very strong wards in place where you live?"

Sirius nodded confidently.

"Good, you and Lily can stay there"

Sirius stood up suddenly and protested "But what about the war? Both the Ministry and the Order are short enough on aurors as it is! You can't expect us all to just go into hiding while our friends are dying!"

Dumbledore met his gaze and said seriously "Sirius, you may do whatever you please. You were invited here tonight because of the concern you have shown towards Lily and her child in James' absence. But listen carefully; you CANNOT go back and forth to where Lily is hiding. It's too dangerous. Either you stay in hiding with her at your home or you will have to part ways. I have other arrangements ready for her should that suit you better."

Sirius looked for a moment as though he was going to lash out, but instead nodded, clearly defeated. He would not leave Lily alone and Dumbledore knew it.

Sirius and Lily took the modified portkey back to the flat. Lily instantly began to make tea. It had become a habit for her and Sirius to sit together drinking tea, particularly after receiving grave news. She and Sirius would usually sit at the table in silence, both lost in their own thoughts, simply seeking comfort in the company.

Lily was still shaken up by the news, but felt more determined than ever to make progress in her work on unforgivables. She returned to the old text she had been reading earlier and continued taking notes. Sirius watched her attentively, concern still evident on his face.

She kept reading until she came across a particular passage, and found herself reading it over and over again:

"_The most powerful of protective magics are bound in love_."


	3. Almost Lost

Chapter 3 – Almost Lost

"_Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die_."

G.K. Chesterston

Lily sat across from Peter Pettigrew in the main room of Sirius' flat. They looked uncomfortably at eachother, as they overheard the heated argument taking place in Sirius' room.

She instantly felt guilt rush through her. She had invited Remus and Peter over in an attempt to calm Sirius as only old friends could.

Sirius had become almost unbearable this past month. He only left the flat to buy food and potion supplies. Although it was for Lily's safety, he had not taken well to the enclosure. When he wasn't pacing the flat, bored with his paper work for the auror office, he was drinking Firewhisky in an attempt to forget the horrors that were going on outside.

Lily had figured that Remus and Peter could help him, but her plan had fallen apart as Sirius and Remus had begun arguing in the next room.

Peter's eyes darted to Sirius' door as they both heard Remus' voice rise steadily. "...He's coming back Sirius! He's going to have something to say about you shacking up with his girl!"

They heard a loud bang and Sirius screamed "Fuck off Remus! You wouldn't know the first thing about loyalty!"

Remus burst from the room only giving Lily the slightest nod as he left. Lily was amazed by what had just happened. She had never seen Remus so angry. Remus was always the calm one, particularly in the worst of times. She guessed his undercover work with the werewolves was getting to him. After all, he was only human and being a double agent wasn't an easy life. She also knew he was just as worried about James as the rest of them.

Peter mumbled apologies and left just as quickly. He knew better than to stick around when Sirius was angry. Lily had no choice but to stay, however she wasn't worried. She knew Sirius would fight to calm himself in front of her; and if he didn't she knew she could put him in his place without having to fear him. He would never hurt her.

She suddenly noticed he stood in the doorway watching her, his expression blank. His voice was just as expressionless, but unexpectedly soft. "I think I've just figured out which member of the Order has been leaking information to the death eaters."

Lily raised her brow, surprised by his statement. "Surely you don't mean Remus?"

"Who else Lily? He's been pretty fucking secretive lately, and he _HAS _been living with werewolves."

Lily's face flushed with anger as she shouted despite herself. "You bloody hypocrite! You've been complaining for ages that people have trouble accepting you because of your family! If you want to discriminate against Remus because he's a werewolf than you ARE just like them!"

Sirius stood up and looked down at her crossly "That WEREWOLF just accused us of "shacking up"! He thinks I'm shagging you senseless and taking advantage of the fact that James is gone!" Sirius' voice broke for a moment as he thought of James, but he went on "Can't you see he's trying to cause rifts between us? He has traitor written all over him!"

Lily considered him for a moment. They had never talked about how others saw her relationship with Sirius. It was a topic they had both avoided.

Lily bit her lip nervously and looked up at him "Sirius, I'm sure there are other people that may think we're "shacking up". I mean, we're living together now, and some people have a hard time telling the difference between close friendship and romantic attachments.

Sirius kept her gaze as he confessed "Lily, I would NEVER...these people are idiots. Can't they understand that the reason I'm staying here with you is BECAUSE of James! Because I love him like a brother! Because he loves you so much! How could Remus, after knowing me for so long, think that I could ever betray James?"

Lily put a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. "How could YOU, after all those years of knowing him, possibly think that HE would betray YOU?"

Sirius stood open-mouthed for a few moments before nodding his head in acceptance. He turned and let himself fall back onto the couch. "You're right, as always. I'm sorry Lils. I just feel like I'm going mad! James is my best friend. He's my brother Lily; he's the only family I have. Sometimes, I can't help but feel like I AM betraying James by being here, along with everyone in the Order. Our friends are dying out there; I should be out there fighting alongside them."

He put his head in his hands as Lily sat beside him, slowly, as she was now eight months pregnant. She tucked a strand of his silky black hair behind his ear. "Sirius, maybe this isn't the best idea. You're right. You should be out there fighting. I love you Sirius and I know you. You've always been a fighter."

He looked up at her for a moment and gently rubbed his hand across her bulge. "You're definitely not alone anymore." The baby kicked to prove his point. "My godson will be with you...and when he's old enough, he'll end this war once and for all." Sirius' previous anger seemed forgotten as he smiled sadly.

Lily bowed her head and looked at Sirius' hand on her stomach. She was suddenly feeling too many things at once: fear, pride, loss, determination, love... She needed to protect her son. She couldn't lose him, she already loved him too much. Words she had memorized from one of the old charms texts kept flashing in her mind.

"_The most powerful of protective magics are bound in love_."

Her hormones intensified her emotions and large tears welled up in her eyes.

"Lils, I'm sorry...I didn't mean..." He pushed back his hair nervously, clearly distraught that he had made her cry. She interrupted him. "It's alright Sirius. You may be right. I'm just pregnant. I even cry listening to the commercials on Wizard Wireless these days." She smiled and wiped her face, taking pleasure in the sudden humor that seemed so rare lately. He gave her a knowing look and grinned back at her.

They were both interrupted by a mirthless laugh and the sound of windows and doors being opened all around them.

Sirius stood and had his wand out instantly. He kept his eyes on their surroundings as he helped a very pregnant Lily up so she could grab her wand on the table. They were surrounded by death eaters.

Lucious Malfoy's sneering voice was unmistakable. "I would put those down if I were you." He said, nodding at their wands through his mask.

Sirius' eyes flashed dangerously. He looked at Lily when she pinched him hard on his back, and her eyes darted briefly to the large key on the table in the corner. He gave her the slightest nod in response. He understood. None of the death eaters seemed to notice their silent conversation.

Sirius spoke venomously "What's the matter Malfoy, don't think you and the dozen death eaters you have with you can take us down if we keep our wands?"

Before any of the death eaters could react, there was a blinding flash of light and Lily felt herself being pulled by Sirius. When she could see again, they had already grabbed the large key and were transported to the alley adjacent to his building.

"What was that?" Lily asked, referring to the blinding light. Sirius put his arms around her. "An old trick. Hold onto me." She did and he apparated them away.

The moment they appeared in the Forbidden Forest just outside of Hogwarts, Lily wretched. She was not supposed to apparate this late in her pregnancy.

Sirius rubbed her shoulder gently, his face stricken with immediate concern. "I'm sorry Lily. It was the only way out. Are you okay? How's the baby?"

Lily took a few moments to steady her breathing. She felt ill, but it didn't feel serious. "It's okay. I'm fine. We're fine. I just feel a little sick. I know we had no choice. I'll be okay, lets just get to Dumbledore."

His grey eyes still flashed concern, but he nodded and they walked towards the gate. A great black dog erupted from Sirius' wand and Hagrid met them shortly after.

Once inside, Dumbledore was already waiting for them in the hallway below his office. He inquired about Lily's health as he quickly led them up the stairs. Just as they were outside the door to his office, he stopped and whispered to them. "Although these are unfortunate circumstances, you have come at a good time. I was just about to go see you myself."

He opened the door and stood aside. There, at the back of the small office, stood James with his eyes widened in shock at the sight of Lily.


	4. Finding Understanding

Chapter 4 – Finding Understanding

_"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die."  
- G.K. Chesterston_

Lily stood with Sirius in the doorway of Dumbledore's office, shock and relief flooding through her. James. She looked across the room at him; at his tattered robes and unusually long wild hair. His eyes widened at the sight of her as he stared at her pregnant bulge.

Without another thought, Lily sprinted across the room with surprising speed for a woman so late in her pregnancy. Sirius quickly followed to embrace the brother he thought he had lost.

James held on to both of them for a moment, so tightly that his arms shook. He then gently pulled away, his eyes focusing on Lily's stomach. "Lils, is that...? Are you...? When did this happen...?

Lily smiled widely, still embelishing in the relief of seeing James alive. "He's due in a month James." She said excitedly. "...our son."

She felt elated that she had finally told him, that the father of her son was here, that he was safe. She had dreamed about this moment since she had first discovered her pregnancy. She had fantasized that he would smile widely and spin her around in joy and excitement. He didn't.

She really had not expected the look he gave her now. He backed away from her quickly and his eyes reflected fear; a deep overwhelming fear. Lily's heart stopped a moment and she stumbled back. She didn't know what to think.

Sirius had put a supporting arm around her instinctively. "Yours?" James stammered, as he looked disbelievingly from Sirius to Lily. The question hung in the air as it took Lily a few moments to understand what was going on.

Sirius had already caught on. He gave James a strong reassuring look, his grey eyes clearly reflecting his sincerity. They stared at eachother for several moments, until finally James broke into a small smile. 

Lily had always admired how James and Sirius could say so much to eachother without actually speaking a word. She was glad for it now. As her shock at his reaction settled, however, she realized the implications of his fears. It stung. How could James even think that the child wasn't his?

"I'm sorry Lily. " James said as if reading her mind. "I just feel like I've been gone a lot longer than I actually was." He sighed and looked down at the ground.

It was then that Lily noticed how thin and pale he was, and how dark the circles under his eyes were. She also didn't like the way he was looking down at the ground nervously. James was not like that. He was always strong and confident.

"What happened to you?" she asked gently concern sparkling from her deep green eyes.

"It's a long story Lils..." James still would not meet her eyes.

"Prongs," Sirius broke in gently, his voice taking on the same soothing tone he used when Lily was scared or hurt "We've looked everywhere for you. There's was no trace of you anywhere. Nothing. You just disappeared. Where were you?"

James sighed again, shuffling his feet. "Azkaban." He said simply.

The word resounded in Lily's mind. There was a hollow feeling in her gut at the very thought of it. Years ago, James had told her about Azkaban...a place where everything good, every happy memory was sucked out of you so that all you were left with was your worst experiences. Had James spent the last eight months is that awful place? She shuddered.

Sirius took a step towards James. "Azkaban! How the hell did you end up there!" He asked incredulously.

"Severus Snape" James said venomously.

"Snivellus? I thought we'd seen the last of him when the Ministry put him in Azkaban last year! So he's escaped? I'm going to kill that greasy git!" Sirius balled his fists, a determined look marking his smooth face.

James looked back at him dully. "They put him in Azkaban about eight months ago actually." he said sarcastically.

James went on bitterly. "Polyjuice potion! The bastard along with five of Voldemort's cronies blasted me with some sort of wonky spell and somehow got me to drink Polyjuice potion. Do you know how disgusting it felt to LOOK like Snivellus?"

Lily's eyes widened as realization dawned on her. Severus had never gone to Azkaban. James had gone in his stead.

He continued. "They had Ministry officials waiting for me, death eaters as it happens. I was sent to Azkaban without a trial before the potion could wear off. Apparently that's the new Ministry policy on the treatment of known death eaters." His bitterness towards the Ministry was clearly evident in his voice.

Lily couldn't help but throw her arms around him again. It was slightly awkward given her particularly large bulge, but she managed all the same. She brushed back his messy black hair with her hand and whispered to him softly in a soothing voice. His eyes watered as he fought back tears.

Sirius still stood a few paces away, his previous anger at Snape slowly fading from his dark eyes. After a moment he asked "How did you finally get out?"

It was Dumbledore who answered. He had been watching the entire exchange from the doorway. "The dementors have officially defected." He announced solemnly. "I went along with the Minister to Azkaban as soon as I discovered it to get more information and help strengthen security. I happened on James' cell while putting up protective charms."

He paused for a moment, with disappointment in his blue eyes. "You can imagine how much of an embarrassment this was for the Minister, having one of his own aurors in Azkaban unjustly. The Minister will stop at nothing to keep this information from the public." There was a clear warning in his tone.

Dumbledore walked over to his desk and picked up a strange looking silver instrument. After murmuring a few spells, he handed it to Lily. 

"You have all been through a terrible ordeal. I imagine you need your rest. James and Lily, you can stay at Headquarters until the child is born. By then I will have had a chance to make safer arrangements for you. Sirius, it is probably best if you join them for now. I doubt your home is safe at the moment, and I have a feeling you will be needed at Headquarters. I will arrange for the rest of the Order to salvage what they can of your personal possessions."

Sirius nodded and shifted towards James to put his hand on the portkey. Lily bent over to kiss Dumbledore, murmuring her thanks. Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled as he gave her a small smile.

Suddenly, the three felt the completely gentle and almost soothing effects of the modified portkey as it activated. 

It was the end of July, although the warmth of it was dampened by a cold mist that had settled over most of the country. The dementors were breeding, Lily thought darkly as she stared into the distance.

She was sitting on the veranda at Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix with her notebook on her lap. The place was an old manor belonging to Godric Griffindor's eldest living relative, Dumbledore. It was very well protected, many of the spells of which had been in place long before the founders' time. It was also very beautiful. The stone veranda surrounded the entire second story and there were large windows in every room. It was surrounded by lush old forests and mountains could be seen in the distance.

Lily shifted uncomfortably. The pain in her lower back was excruciating and she felt as though her stomach was going to explode. She was so tired of being pregnant. She wanted it to be over; she wanted to finally have her son.

She pushed those feelings back. No. She couldn't. Not today. Today was July 31st. If she could hold it off one more day, they would be saved; or at least her son would no longer be a direct target. Harry could live a normal life. He would grow up happy and go to Hogwarts and not have to worry about death eaters kidnapping him or Voldemort finding him in the night...as long as he wasn't born today. She wished it with every fiber of her soul.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Sirius stepped out beside her, looking out at the surrounding forests in the mist. He seemed to be momentarily lost in them, as he didn't say a word.

Lily's brow furrowed. She knew what was bothering Sirius. James had been unusually quiet and solemn since his return from Azkaban. They were both worried about him; very worried.

She missed the old James; the James who would pull hilarious pranks on Mad-Eye with Sirius to lift the spirits in the auror office; the James who would cuddle up to her and whisper things in her ear that would make her giggle; the James who would make even the worst of problems seem promising somehow with his confidence and cunning; the James she loved.

Although he was slowly readjusting to his freedom, discovering the many horrible deaths that had happened in his absence wasn't helpful; particularly that of Dorcas as they had been mates since Hogwarts. He had an air of hopelessness about him that seemed impenetrable.

Sirius had tried a few rather _interesting_ stunts in an attempt to get him back into good spirits, but nothing worked for long. James had managed a laugh when McGonagall suddenly found herself in "punk rock" muggle clothing after an Order meeting (nose ring included), but he had quickly retreated to his room afterwards, solemn as ever.

Sirius held on to the stone railing as Lily watched him. Although she had been in denial for ages, she couldn't help but appreciate how beautiful he was. The way his dark hair fell over his fathomless grey eyes simply melted her at times.

Lily really didn't know what she would have done without him this past year. Although he was reckless and emotional at times, he was also unfalteringly loyal, and he had a gentleness about him that had surprised her at first. Although he would sometimes pull a fit at the most ridiculus things, he seemed to be the only one in control when everyone around him fell apart. She cared about him very much. She loved him in a way that was very different from the way she loved James.

As if sensing her staring, he turned to face her with a questioning look. "What is it Lils?" he asked her, his dark eyes looking into her green ones.

Lily hesitated, not knowing what to say. This was not the time for honesty.

Luckily, they were interrupted by James as he joined them. Lily was surprised by the slight smile on his thin face, as it was so unlike the solemn pout he usually wore these days.

"The Longbottom child was born yesterday." He announced cheerfully. "A boy. They called him Neville."

Hope rose in Lily's chest. The Longbottom's son had been born the previous day, she thought to herself. As long as she could last the day without giving birth; Neville would be the child of the prophecy, not her son.

James returned her hopeful look. His reaction to the prophecy when she had told him a few weeks ago had not been what she had expected. She had thought that he would WANT it to be their son, that he would be proud at the prospect of it being Harry. Instead, he instantly reacted the same as she had, hoping against hope that it would be the Longbottom child.

She felt slightly guilty for underestimating him. After all, despite his current state, James had always had very good values and was one of the most loving people she knew. It's why she had fallen in love with him in the first place.

Just as she was about to tell him how relieved she was at the news, she felt a harsh pain in her stomach.

"Argh!" she yelped. Her surprise had prevented her from holding back a whimper. No! she thought to herself. Not now! Please not now! The pain left her as quickly as it had come.

Both James and Sirius had jumped to her side. "Lily!" Sirius cried "Are you alright? Is it the baby?"

"No," she lied quickly "I'm just sore from sitting here so long."

James nodded, although his hopeful look had vanished. Sirius didn't look convinced and gave James a significant look.

"Really, I'm okay. I think I just need to go lay down." she persisted.

Both men helped her out of her chair. "I'll take her." James announced and led her to the large bedroom they shared across from the sitting room.

Just as they had reached the doorway, Lily felt another sharp pain in her gut, harder this time. "Argh!" She yelped again as she doubled over.  
James struggled to hold her up. Sirius, who had been watching from the veranda, quickly came to help.

As the pain subsided, Lily persisted her denial. "It's just the baby kicking." She attempted a smile. "He's just getting really strong..."

James interrupted "Lily, if it's time than we should..."

"No!" She said loudly. "It's not time yet! Not now!" Her words were forceful, but tears fell down her face all the same.

"Lily," Sirius whispered gently "I've read that it's normal for women to get contractions long before their child is actually born." He gave her an encouraging look.

James seemed relieved at his words. "See, it's alright Lily." he said comfortingly "We'll just wait until..." He was interrupted by another small cry from Lily. His relief quickly faded.

After a few more contractions, her water broke, splashing onto the wooden floor. "Not now!" she pleaded. "Please not now!" She was crying.

James and Sirius gave eachother a significant look. It was time and there was nothing either could do to stop it now.

They arrived at the maternity ward of St-Mugos a short while later. As Lily was settled in the delivery room, the healer looked from James to Sirius and asked "Which one of you is the father?"

"I am." James replied nervously.

The healer nodded and addressed a curly haired aide. "Maria, can you guide this gentleman back to the waiting room?" He guided Sirius to the door as the aide nodded.

"No! Stay." Lily shouted before she could stop herself. Guilt rose in her chest instantly. James was the father of her child, the man she loved. Why did she feel she needed Sirius there so badly?

James' face was expressionless as he looked from Lily to Sirius, the latter of which looked slightly shocked by Lily's sudden outburst.

James was unusually calm as he addressed the healer. "We want him here." He announced, nodding towards Sirius. "He's the godfather and part of this family."

The healer gave James an odd look, but nodded. "Let's get on with it then."

At the beginning, Lily had protested to wait, that she would have her baby the next day. These protests didn't last long. As the labor progressed, she found she just wanted it to be over.

James and Sirius were on either side of her the whole time. James stroked her long red hair, keeping it off her neck and Sirius squeezed her hand reassuringly. Both whispered soothing words and encouraged her. She felt strengthened by them. It helped.

With one final push, a baby's cry filled the room. Lily lay back on the bed, her whole body trembling with exhaustion.

Wrapping the child in a tiny bundle, the healer announced "Harry James Potter, born on July 31st at 11:50pm."

The words of the prophecy resounded in her head "..._born as the seventh month dies._" Sirius gave her a significant look that told her he was thinking the exact same thing.

James only had eyes for his son as the healer laid Harry into his father's arms for the first time. Lily's heart melted as watched him. He wore an ear-to-ear grin and his brown eyes sparkled with such deep devotion that Lily was reminded of why she loved James so much.

He rocked the baby gently, speaking soothing words until Harry's crying subsided. The healer left the room for a few moments to give them their privacy. James locked eyes with Lily and laid the tiny bundle in her arms, still smiling widely.

As she looked on her son, her own emerald green eyes stared back at her under a tuft of messy black hair.

Lily was suddenly overwhelmed. She hadn't been prepared for this. She hadn't known that it was possible to love someone so much the first time you ever meet them. It was the most fulfilling feeling in the world.

"He looks just like you James." Sirius announced enthusiastically, just as mesmerized with Harry as they all were.

"But with Lily's eyes," James proclaimed "Lily's big beautiful green eyes!"

They all stared down at Harry adoringly for a few moments. Eventually, James suggested "Do you want to hold your godson Sirius?"

Sirius looked slightly afraid, though smiled warmly. "Don't worry Sirius." Lily told him smiling "You just have to be careful to hold his head. He can't hold it up on his own yet."

James placed Harry into Sirius' arms. Both parents smiled at him widely as he held Harry as though he were made of glass. "Hey there little guy." He said in a sweet voice so unlike his own.

After a few moments, Sirius' brow furrowed as he stared down at his godson.

"I know." James replied sadly as though Sirius' concern had been spoken aloud. "He's only just been born and he may have more responsibility on his shoulders than we'll ever have in our entire lives."

"We have just as much responsibility as he does James." Lily announced determinately "We have to protect him."

Suddenly protecting her child felt more possible than it ever had. She remembered the words from the old charms text Dumbledore had given her:

_The most powerful of protective magics are bound in love_

She knew they stood a chance, for there was no stronger love than the love she felt for Harry.


	5. The Austerity of War

**Chapter 5 – The Austerity of War**

"_Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die_."

G.K. Chesterston

Sweat dripped down Sirius' brow, dampening his silky black hair. He felt the rush of adrenaline as he shot off spell after spell at the oncoming death eaters. They were greatly outnumbered, but with James at his back he felt like he could take on the world.

The Order had received information that Rebastan Lestrange would be in Knockturn Alley that day on a special mission for Voldemort. Dumbledore had sent them, along with fellow auror Benjy Fenwick, to intercept whatever it was that Lestrange was after.

Unfortunately, as they reached Knockturn Alley they had been met by over a dozen death eaters.

Despite the odds, Sirius and James were putting up a fierce battle. They fought back-to-back, their wands blurs, as they waited for reinforcements. The protective charms that Lily had made for them warded off most of the spells they were hit with. Sirius was further encouraged by the sight of several death eaters lying motionless on the ground before them.

A sense of victory swept through Sirius as the remaining death eaters began disapparating. "Did you get Lestrange?" he asked James, still eying his surroundings warily.

"No. I don't think the git showed!" replied James, still struggling to catch his breath. "Where the bloody hell is Fenwick?" he added irately.

"Dunno. I lost track of him. You reckon he went after some of them?" asked Sirius.

"Maybe. He was fighting your dear cousin the last I saw him." replied James.

"Knowing Bellatrix, she probably ducked into one of the shops at the first sign of trouble. She prefers devious backstabbing to head on confrontations." Sirius said sourly.

"Borgen and Burkes?" suggested James.

"Nah. Too obvious. She's probably joined up with her little boyfriend by now anyway."

Feeling satisfied that they were safe for the moment, Sirius turned to face James. Blood was dripping down the side of his face onto his robes. Had it been years ago, Sirius would have been sick with concern, but these days the injuries were so common that he almost felt numb.

"Is it bad?" he asked, his voice still hoarse despite his numbness.

"Just a scratch. Why? Does it look bad?" asked James, suddenly feeling his cheek with his hand.

"You're bleeding all over yourself." Sirius handed him his handkerchief.

James seemed surprised at the redness of his hand as he reached for it. He began dabbing the large gash on his cheek.

Sirius approached one of the death eaters that lay on the ground before them and kicked him violently.

"Fucking Dumbledore!" said Sirius furiously. "I'm gonna have a thing or two to say to him about his so-called inside sources!"

"Yeah," James agreed as he conjured invisible bonds around the fallen death eaters "this was definitely a diversion. Why else would they have given up so easily?"

Easily? Sirius thought to himself. It was only then that he realized that, being as outnumbered as they were, the death eaters would have killed them eventually. The protective charms that Lily had made for them wore out after a certain amount of spells. A sick feeling rose in his gut, but he said nothing. After all, it wasn't the first time that something like this had happened. James didn't need to be reminded.

Both raised their wands warily as they heard the familiar sound of apparition. Mad-Eye Moody appeared at the far end of the alley, followed by Frank Longbottom and several other Order members. Their reinforcements had arrived.

"'Bout time!" said Sirius accusingly, his grey eyes blazing.

"We got held up ourselves." retorted Frank defensively. He had a black eye and several gashes of his own.

Frank's eyes widened as they fell on the six bound death eaters on the pavement in front of them. "Fuck! How the hell do you guys do it?"

Sirius grinned arrogantly and gave James a knowing look. It was always like this. They always fought better together than apart.

"Where's Fenwick?" Moody asked after surveying the scene for intruders.

James brushed his hand through his messy black hair as his eyes darted to the ground. "We lost track of him." he said quietly.

"How could you lose track of him?" Moody asked angrily "You were supposed to be working as a team!"

"We were bloody surrounded!" Sirius defended heatedly, pointing to the bound death eaters on the pavement.

"All the more reason why you should have been fighting alongside him!" said Moody.

"We were!" James broke in "We just got separated!"

Moody rolled his eyes at them.

"Oy! Over here!" yelled one of the aurors who had been securing the perimeter.

"Stay here and guard the prisoners." Moody ordered Frank. "You two, come with me. Wands out!"

James and Sirius followed without another word. They reached the other auror in a side-alley beside the Creatures shop. Sirius froze when he saw a pool of blood on the ground. James rushed forward and picked up the bloodstained silver charm than Fenwick had been wearing. "Fuck..."

"Behind there" said the auror who had called them over with a shaky voice. He pointed to a space behind the garbage bins.

Sirius immediately closed him eyes after seeing it, but it was too late. The image of random body parts, bloody and gruesome, would forever be imprinted in his mind. His gut twisted in revulsion.

Lily was Headquarters, tinkering with one of the protective charms she was working on. Although she had made some progress, she threw it back on the table irritably. She couldn't concentrate.

It was always like this. The waiting, the worrying, not knowing whether Sirius and James would come back alive or not. The recent death of Marlene McKinnon and her family made Lily especially anxious. Marlene had been killed in broad daylight while shopping for Hogwarts supplies with her children in Diagon Alley.

No less than a dozen other Order members had been similarly killed this past year. The death eaters outnumbered them at least twenty to one and they were killing off Order members one by one. No one in the Order was safe anymore

Living at headquarters made everything particularly difficult for Lily. Although they had the entire second floor to themselves, Order members often stayed on the ground floor, particularly after an attack. It was very hard for Lily not to get attached. Caring about people came naturally for her, and it was hard not to get close to people who practically lived with you.

Lily felt her heart tear with loss every time one of them died, and it had become so frequent that the pain was just too much to bear at times. She wished she could be more like Sirius and numb it out somehow.

Realizing that she wasn't going to get any work done, she left her research on the table and went to sit by Harry. He was playing happily on his blanket with a toy motorcycle Sirius had brought home for him.

Harry grinned at her and continued in his attempts to make motorcycle noises. Lily smiled back at him; lovingly pushing back the wisps of soft black hair that stuck out at all ends. His innocence was always soothing. At only a year old, any understanding of what was going on in the world around him was a long way off.

Living at Headquarters, Harry had become somewhat of a mascot for the Order. Even Moody would occasionally take the time to come up and see him. Harry was a very happy baby and loved to entertain. Although no one else knew about the prophecy, Harry was a source of hope for many of them.

Still desperate to distract herself from her worrying over Sirius and James, Lily took Harry into her arms and hugged him tightly. He gurgled in response and began running the motorcycle along her shoulders, sound effects and all.

Lily giggled and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead. "Alright. I know you want to play." She put him back down on his blanket. "You are too much like your father."

"Da!" replied Harry. He attempted to stand, but fell back onto his backside.

"He'll be home soon sweetheart." Said Lily soothingly.

"I'm already home." came James voice from behind her.

Relief spread through her as she spun around and threw her arms around him. "James...Oh James I was so worried."

"You should know better than to worry about us" Sirius piped in arrogantly.

"Prat!" said Lily as she released James and hugged Sirius fiercely.

As she stepped back from Sirius, Lily noticed the large gash on James' face. "James, what happened?" James eyes darkened as he looked down at the ground.

Sirius looked from James to Lily. "I'll let you fix up James" he said to Lily "I think I'll take my godson outside to play in the yard." He smiled at them and left with Harry, pausing by the door to pick up the diaper bag.

Lily took James by the hand and led him to their bedroom. "Sit down." she ordered and he promptly sat on the bed.

She went to her dresser to get a small jar of cleansing salve. The injuries had become so frequent that she always had some around.

She dabbed a cloth in the salve and skillfully began cleaning his cheek. She took a deep breath and tried to prepare herself for what she was about to find out. She then asked "What happened James?"

"Another ambush" he replied with a sigh.

James watched her dip the white cloth into the salve. "We lost Fenwick." he added.

Lily's previous sense of hopelessness returned with full force. She accidentally dropped the jar of salve onto the carpet. Her eyes were already watering.

James immediately stood to hug her. "Shh...Everything will turn out alright Lils." he said soothingly. "We'll win this war in the end." he added.

Lily just cried harder. It was too much. Why did this always have to happen? Why couldn't they just live normal lives where their friends don't keep dying around them?

She suddenly pushed James away from him, her face suddenly reddening with fury. "This will not 'turn out alright' James! Our friends keep dying! You could have died!"

"Not with Sirius beside me" he replied calmly.

"He could have died too!" Lily roughly wiped her face with her hand and turned away from him.

James came up behind her and gently put his hand on her shoulder. "Lils, we can't go through this again." he said pleadingly. "We agreed that working for the Order is too important to pass up; that we would stay and fight off the bastard that's caused all this..."

Lily was still crying as she as she nodded unconvincingly. "But the thought of losing you..." she protested.

"I know." James hushed her. "I love you too." His brown eyes stared deeply into her green ones. "We'll be o.k. Lils. I know it's getting harder..." his voice broke off for a moment as he thought of what had happened to Fenwick. "But we have to keep believing we will win this war. For Harry."

Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. James was right. She had to pull herself together. There were some things that were worth dying for and she had to accept it. The thought of Harry always helped her with that part.

"I'm sorry James." she whispered.

He hushed her gently and pulled her into his arms. "Don't apologize." he said tenderly as he stroked her hair.

Lily gave a small laugh through her tears. "That's a first!" James never passed up an apology given that he was usually the one doing the apologizing.

He smiled at her and wiped her tear-streaked face with his sleeve. "Now are you going to heal my face or am I just going to bleed all over the place?" he asked cheekily.

"Alright. Sit." she ordered as she pushed him back onto the bed.

Once healed, James gave her a small kiss. "Thank you." She smiled back at him.

He took off his tattered black boots. "I'm exhausted!" he pronounced and lay back onto the bed. "I'm going to sleep for awhile."

James stared at her intensely for a few moments before raising his eyebrows suggestively. "Care to join me?"

Lily gave another laugh. "I thought you were exhausted!"

"There are some things I'll always have the energy for." said James through a smile.

Lily smiled back. "I'll come join you in a bit. I just want to go check on Sirius. You know how he is."

James nodded. Sirius had a galling tendency of hiding his injuries, often making them worse than they already were. It infuriated her when he did it, but she doubted it would ever change. Sirius was just like that. He didn't like to admit when he needed help. She supposed his family had a lot to do with it.

Lily also really needed to see Sirius for a different reason entirely. She had to know exactly what had killed Fenwick and Sirius knew more about the dark arts that almost everyone in the order. He's usually the one who helped her figure out the spells the death eaters were using against them. She needed to know the exact spells so she could make protective charms to counter them.

When Lily reached the yard, she stifled a laugh. Under the oak tree, a big black dog was running around a crawling Harry, his tail wagging excitedly. The toddler giggled happily and grabbed at Sirius's ears.

Lily loved watching Sirius play with Harry. Her son loved dogs, and Lily knew he would be safe with Sirius. They would sometimes roll around for hours, both having the same boundless energy.

When she walked onto the grass, Sirius gave her a small bark of acknowledgement. He then bolted right for her. Lily suddenly found herself with her back to the ground and a big black dog on her chest. He licked her cheek, his tail still wagging excitedly.

"Ewww! Sirius get off!" said Lily, unable to suppress a laugh. Harry giggled in approval and crawled over to join them.

Sirius gave another bark before getting off of her and transforming back into his human form. "Sorry Lily. 'Got carried away."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I take it you're alright then?" she asked seriously.

"Always." He smiled arrogantly.

Lily gave him a severe look. "Sirius." she said warningly.

"I swear it Lily! I'm fine. Not a scratch." said Sirius earnestly.

Lily nodded in acceptance.

Sirius stared at her searchingly. "Was there anything else Lils?"

Lily bit her lip nervously and her eyes darted to the ground.

"You want to know what happened to Fenwick, don't you?" asked Sirius.

Lily nodded hesitantly, taking in the haunted look that appeared in his fathomless eyes.

Sirius nodded in understanding. He had known she would come to ask him about it. "We lost track of him in the battle. I didn't hear what they hit him with."

"But what happened to him? Was it the Avada Kedavra or something else?" asked Lily.

"Lily, I don't think there's anything that could have protected him against that spell. Not this time." said Sirius solemnly.

"But I can try. Sirius, this is what I do. I need to know what he was hit with. Tell me what happened." She took his hand and squeezed it gently, looking at him pleadingly.

Sirius sighed. "There wasn't much left of him. Only a few small pieces and a lot of blood."

Lily's face fell as the horror of it struck her. What kind of person would use that kind of spell on another living being? The same kind of person that would murder a child, she answered herself; a death eater.

"Sirius, I know you hate talking about this, but I have to ask." Lily hesitated for a moment, gauging his reaction.

Sirius sighed and pushed his dark hair back. "You want to know if I've heard of this spell before, if I've seen anyone in my family use it, or if I at least know where you could start looking."

There was a bitterness in his voice that made Lily almost regret asking him. She knew that he hated knowing so much about the dark arts. She also knew that he felt a tremendous amount of guilt for his family's position in the war. But she still had to know.

Sirius looked down at the grass and thought for a moment. "I'm going to need more time to think about it." he said dismally, forcing a smile. "We'll talk about it tomorrow." Lily nodded understandingly.

"I think my godson needs a nap." said Sirius, looking down at a Harry. He was sitting up on the grass but his eyes were drooping. Sirius picked him up and walked back to the house with Lily.

James stood by the back door; his brown eyes were alert and clearly troubled. "Dumbledore just called an emergency Order meeting."

"About Fenwick?" asked Sirius.

"No. Something else." replied James.

"I'll just go put Harry to bed then." said Sirius.

"No." said James sadly. "It's not safe anymore. Dumbledore said to bring him to the meeting."


	6. The Sacrifice

Chapter 6 – The Sacrifice

_Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die."  
- G.K. Chesterston_

Godric's Hollow was a small old-fashioned village with cobblestone streets and quaint little shops. It was one of the few townships that had a long history for both wizards and muggles. In the old village square, the gallows still stood, although unused for several decades. Witch burnings had also taken place in the village square, but those structures had been gone for centuries.

Lily looked on drearily at the people bustling by in the square from her window. They made her feel trapped as she wasn't allowed to leave her new hideout. Dumbledore had confirmed that Voldemort believed that Harry was the child in the prophecy. Her family was a direct target now and there was no telling how far Voldemort would go to find them.

Her charms books were sprawled out on the floor where she had been going over her notes. She found she worked better lying beside Harry as he played. She could not bear to leave him out of her sight, just as any mother would feel if her child was in danger.

Lily sat back onto the floor beside Harry and grabbed the text she had been working on. It was another one of those books she could barely understand. Dumbledore had advised her that she would find what she needed in it, but even after hours of translating the Old English her efforts seemed fruitless.

In a moment of uncontrollable frustration, she threw the old book across the room, startling Harry.

"I'm sorry baby" she said to him gently. "I just don't know what to do to save you!" she added desperately.

She wiped the tears off her cheek as she got up to go pick up the book she had thrown. As she bent down to pick it up, she noticed several pages of notes had fallen out of it. They were not written in her hand.

She picked them up and examined them carefully. At the top of one of the pages she saw a name: Nicholas Flammel.

The name sounded very familiar and then it clicked. Nicholas Flammel had worked with Dumbledore. He had done some translating work for the Order. Her heart leapt as she read over the notes. Finally something I can understand she thought to herself.

A particular passage caught her attention:

_Death can release the most potent magic. It is part of what can give dark magic its power. But a powerful wizard can control the power of his own death if he is willing to die._

She then thought back to what she had read several months earlier:

_The most powerful of protective magics are bound in love._

Lily's heart was pounding as realization hit her. She had been desperate to find something to protect Harry if Voldemort ever found them and now she possibly had.  
If she was willing to die, she could control the power of her own death. Perhaps it would be enough to protect Harry if all else fails.

She shuddered at the thought. "But then Harry would be alone" she mumbled to herself. She swept her long red hair out of her face as she sighed. There had to be another way. She couldn't leave Harry alone; not with the war, not with the prophecy lying heavily on his shoulders.

Her thoughts were interrupted by James as he appeared in the doorway of the nursery. "Lils, Dumbledore is here with Remus, Sirius and Peter. He wants to talk to us about security measures."

Lily nodded in understanding. James approached her and kneeled down beside her. "Lils, are you alright?" he asked her gently.

"I'm fine." she said hurriedly.

James looked at her seriously. "You look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine!" Lily said unconvincingly.  
James put his arms around her. "I love you Lils."

Lily hugged him for a moment and pulled away. "I love you too James. I'll be alright I'm just a little frustrated right now."

"Okay" said James still not completely convinced. He gave her a quick kiss and got up to leave. "You coming?"

She nodded.

The meeting concerning the Potter's safety went by quickly. In the end it was decided that they would be protected by the Fidelus Charm. Although there had been some disagreement from Dumbledore, the Potters had chosen Sirius as their Secret Keeper. James and Lily had insisted that there was no one they trusted more than Sirius.

When Dumbledore and the others left, Sirius stayed behind saying he needed to spend some time with his godson. In truth, he really needed to talk to James.

Sirius pulled James back into the sitting room while Lily went upstairs to go put Harry to bed.

"Prongs, I need to talk to you about this whole Secret Keeper business." He said seriously.

James' brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" he asked worriedly, his hand instantly rising to mess his hair. "I know it's a lot to ask, but I thought..."

"Don't be stupid James." Sirius said curtly. "It's just that I'm worried about Remus."

"Remus?" James looked pensive for a moment. "He HAS been looking rather tired lately..."

"...and he hasn't been acting like himself lately either." Sirius added. 

James nodded. For the past year Remus really hadn't been around much. He had come to Headquarters for regular reports, but the rest of the time he was working under cover for the Order with the werewolves. When they got a chance to actually talk to him alone, which was rare, he was always exhausted and his usual casual humor was all but gone.

"What does this have to do with your being Secret Keeper?" James asked seriously.

Sirius took a deep breath. "I really don't like the fact that he knows about it."

"You think he's the spy." said James knowingly.

Sirius looked straight at him and nodded.

James shook his head. "It's not Remus. It can't be! I trust him. Pads, we've been through this already."

Sirius began pacing with impatience. "Prongs, Moony was my friend too, but it HAS to be someone close to you! He hasn't really been around, but Lily has been keeping him up to date on things...things that suddenly became common knowledge to the death eaters."

"I can't believe this Padfoot! He's my friend! He's our friend! Don't you remember everything we've done for eachother?" Anger rose in James voice as he spoke.

"What's going on?" said a voice from the doorway. Lily had just come down the stairs. "What are you boys talking about?"

"Sirius is trying to convince me that Remus is the spy." said James grumpily.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Not again Sirius..."

Sirius looked straight at her. "What if you're wrong?" he asked severely. "What if you're wrong and Remus runs to tell Voldemort who your Secret Keeper is? You know I would rather die than tell them...but there are ways they could get the information from me against my will. Then what would happen to Harry? Is trusting Remus really worth the risk?"

He looked at them both, his dark grey eyes pleading for understanding. He couldn't bear the thought of Voldemort going after the Potters, not if it could avoided. They were the only people in the world he truly cared about.

Lily looked at James for a long moment. Finally, she asked "What do you suggest Sirius?"

The following night the Fidelus charm was performed with Peter as Secret Keeper. It was the perfect bluff, Sirius thought to himself as he watched Peter leave to go into hiding. Voldemort would never suspect that the Potters would ever even consider making Wormtail their Secret Keeper.

Sirius had to go into hiding himself, but he wanted to talk to James and Lily alone first. He hadn't been long without them in ages and there was no way to know when he would ever see them again. Given the fact that Voldemort was most surely going to go after him, this may even be the last chance he would ever have to tell Lily and James just how much they mean to him.

"Prongs, can we talk alone for a second?" asked Sirius tentatively.  
James raised a mocking eyebrow, but followed Sirius into the den. They stopped at the back of the room by the roaring fireplace.

"What is it Padfoot?" asked James.

Sirius' eyes uncharacteristically darted to the ground. "I'm not really good at this sort of thing James. But you know we'll likely never see eachother again."

James smiled sadly. "It's not really like you to be so under self-doubting Siri."

"I'm not being self-doubting." Sirius said quickly, giving James a defensive look. "I'm just facing the facts. This isn't a game anymore James."

James gave a small laugh, but nodded. "I never thought I'd see the day where I'd hear that from YOU."

Sirius laughed slightly. "I guess everyone grows up sometime."

"I'll miss you Sirius. Things won't be the same without you." said James.

"I know. You'll be bored, won't you?" said Sirius.

James nodded, smiling. "You have a way of making everything more fun."

Sirius' grey eyes were beginning to water. He feigned brushing his dark hair out of his face to wipe his eyes.

James wasn't fooled as he felt tears coming on himself. He pulled Sirius into a tight hug. "You're my brother Siri."

Sirius nodded as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "Always Prongs."

After a few moments, they went back into the entrance hall. Lily stood in the stairs watching them.

James had his arm on Sirius' shoulder, as he looked from Lily's pleading green eyes to Sirius' watery grey ones. His hand dropped from Sirius' shoulder as he nodded slightly. "I'm going to go upstairs to check on Harry. We'll see eachother again Padfoot."

Sirius nodded and James went up the stairs, kissing Lily on the cheek on his way up.

Lily stood motionless as she looked at Sirius. "So you're leaving then?" she asked.

"Yeah, I've got to go into hiding now don't I?" he said meeting her gaze.

Lily walked down the stairs to stand right in front of him. "I'll miss you." she said honestly. Her heart was racing at the look he was giving her. His eyes were so full of emotion; she had never seen them that way before. There was a longing there, and something else...

Sirius put his hand gently on her cheek. "I'll miss you too Lils."

Recklessly, he filled the space between them and kissed her. Lily could not pull away from him. Instead she sank into him, captivated by the feel of his soft lips.

After a few moments, he pulled out of the kiss and leaned his forehead against hers. "Sorry about that Lils, I've just always wanted to do that and I may never get another chance." His voice was shaking slightly as he spoke.

Lily sighed. Her feelings for Sirius had always been conflicted, particularly when she thought of James. But at this moment she knew she loved him, perhaps more than she should.

"Why?" She asked tentatively.

"Why what?" Sirius asked, curling his fingers idly in her long red hair.

Lily took a deep breath. "Why have you always wanted to do that?"

Sirius took a step back to look her in the eyes. He couldn't hide the look of surprise in his chiseled features. His look saddened as he spoke. 

"You know why Lily." he said seriously. "Don't make me have to say it. James is my best friend, my brother..."

"I know. I know. I just..." Lily's heart was thumping madly now. Overcome with confusion, she didn't know how to express what she was feeling.

Sirius' grey eyes watered. "I love you too Lils." He quickly kissed her again, lingering for a moment, then turned away and walked out the front door.

Lily was in the kitchen preparing diner when James entered.

"I just put Harry down for his nap." said James before lifting the lid off of a pot on the stove. "Smells good."

Lily nodded slightly, but kept her eyes on her cooking. She had been feeling a little off since her goodbye with Sirius the previous night. Perhaps it was the guilt she felt for kissing him, or perhaps it was the emptiness she felt without him. She wasn't sure which.  
As if picking up on her thoughts, James said "I miss him too."

Lily turned and quickly blurted "What makes you think I miss Sirius?" 

James raised his eyebrow at her "Don't you?"

Lily couldn't prevent the guilty look in her eyes. She nodded quickly and returned to her cooking.

James put his arms around her and gently pulled her away from the stove. He tenderly lifted her chin with his hand. "I know you kissed Sirius last night." There was no malice in his voice as he spoke.

"You do?" asked Lily nervously, trying for a moment to pull out of his embrace.  
James held her tightly. "I do. The mirrors, remember? I spoke to Sirius this morning."

"You're not mad?" asked Lily timidly.

James shook his head. "No. The only reason I brought it up is because I knew you'd be feeling guilty about it." Lily nodded, keeping his gaze.

James continued. "I just wanted you to know that I'm okay with it. I understand..." He hesitated for a moment. "...but I'm just worried that..." He didn't know how to say it. His large brown eyes looked at her pleadingly.

"I love you James. That'll never change." said Lily. They kissed.

They were suddenly interrupted when one of their secrecy alarms went off.

James quickly ran for the window. Suddenly he pulled Lily out of the kitchen towards the stairs. "Lily, take Harry and go! It's Him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off –" he said forcibly as he gave her a push up the stairs. 

Fear rose in her chest as her heart pounded harshly. She was so nervous she stumbled halfway up the stairs. She quickly picked herself up and ran to the nursery, just as she heard their front door blasted open.

Her hands were shaking as she picked up Harry. A cackle of high pitched laughter pierced her ears as she heard the words of the killing curse being uttered. The sound of a body falling heavily on the ground confirmed her worst fears. James was dead.

Her mind was swimming. She couldn't think clearly. She didn't even have her wand. She was still shaking dreadfully as she pulled open the window, but it was too late.

Voldemort entered the nursery, smiling slyly at her as he approached.

"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!" screamed Lily, shielding her son from his sight with her body.

"Stand aside, you silly girl...stand aside, now –" said Voldemort impatiently.

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead –" said Lily pleadingly.

Voldemort continued to advance on her.

"Not Harry! Please...have mercy...have mercy..." begged Lily as the words she had read in Nicholas Flammel's notes came rushing back to her.

_A powerful wizard can control the power of his own death if he is willing to die._ The words resounded loudly in her mind.

It was her only hope. Harry would have to grow up alone. But a slight relief filled her as she thought of Sirius. Sirius would be there for Harry. Sirius would take care of her son.

She screamed as she saw the green light emerge from Voldemort's wand, but let it happen. She focused on her love for Harry and her willingness to control the power of her own death. It was all she could do. She then heard the shrill laugther of her killer and knew no more.

Sirius' heart was racing frantically as his flying motorcycle approached Godric's Hollow. His worse fears when he saw that Peter wasn't at his hideout were confirmed when he saw smoke rising eerily from the ruins. The rat had betrayed them.

He jumped off his bike before it even touched the ground and darted towards the house anxiously. He still clung to the hope that James had managed to get his family away safely.

His hopes were immediately crushed when he saw James. He was sprawled unceremoniously at the bottom of the stairs, his brown eyes lifeless.

Sirius fell to his knees, unable to master the anguish he felt. He clung to James's body as he cried, unable to bear the loss of his best friend, his brother, his Prongs. He had lost James before, but not like this. Before there had been hope. It was the only thing that had kept him going. Now it was over. James was dead.

Suddenly, a baby's cry broke into his thoughts. It was coming from the second floor. Sirius rose instantly, unsure as to whether he was imagining it, but still desperate to find someone he loved alive.

He ran up the stairs to the nursery, his whole body shaking with adrenaline. He saw Harry was still in his crib, howling shrilly with a severe lightning shaped cut on his forehead. A shimmer of relief broke through Sirius' sorrow as he rushed to the crib to pick up his godson. Harry was alive!

But just as he approached the crib, he tripped over something he hadn't seen...Lily. Horror spread through him as he looked into her lifeless green eyes. Not Lily too! His heart screamed as he turned his head and retched. She was the only woman he would ever love. He had always known it. And now she was gone.

Although he felt like lying down and dying, Sirius forced himself to get up and pick up his godson. He had to protect Harry now. It was the only family he had left and the death eaters would likely be back. 

Sirius' tears were still flowing as he took a moment to hug Harry. He whispered to his godson soothingly despite the terror and rage that was slowly beginning to consume him. Safe in his godfather arms, Harry stopped crying.

Sirius ran back outside, forcing himself not to look at James as he passed.

Hagrid was outside looking fearstricken, standing beside Sirius' motorbike staring at the ruins of the house. His voice was unsteady as he asked "Are Lily and James really...?"

Sirius could barely contain his despair as he nodded.

Hagrid bowed his head and howled eerily. "I couldn't believe it. Dumbledore warned me before sending me here, but I just couldn't believe it! Lily and James..."

Sirius leaned into Hagrid for support, still holding Harry in his arms. "They were my only family Hagrid." he said shakily. Hagrid put his arm around Sirius and patted him gently.

"At least I still have Harry." Sirius murmured. 

Hagrid looked down guiltily at Sirius. "I'm sorry Sirius, but I 'ave to take 'im. Dumbledore said Harry has to go to his family now."

Sirius's eyes sparked fearfully as he backed away clutching Harry. "But he's my godson Hagrid. I'm his family. I'll take care of him."

Hagrid put his hand gently on Sirius' shoulder. "Dumbledore said he has to go to his aunt and uncle. Those were my orders."

Sirius looked for a moment as if he was going to take Harry and run, but instead he placed the bundle in Hagrid's arms. "Take my motorbike then." Sirius said in an unusually calm voice. "I won't need it anymore" he added. 

His face was white as ash and his hand shook as he pushed a strand of dark hair out of his face. Hagrid looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry Sirius..." he said slowly. Hagrid understood what it was like to not have a family, how important friends were when you had no one else. What else could he say to someone who had just lost everything.

Sirius watched Hagrid leave with Harry, unsure for a moment of what to do. He was standing outside the ruins of a house, inside which his two best friends in the world lay dead. If he wasn't allowed to take care of Harry, he had nothing left to live for.

Suddenly, he had a moment of clarity and his first thoughts when he arrived to the house that night came back to him. Peter. This was all because of Peter.

It was all his fault. He was the one who had convinced James and Lily to use Peter as a Secret Keeper. And that rat had betrayed them! Peter was the spy! He had been selling them out for over a year!

The revenge that filled his heart was as powerful as the anguish he had felt upon seeing James and Lily that night. He was no longer rational as he set out to kill the one responsible for all this.


End file.
